Ever found yourself saying yes when you know you really wanted to say no? You say yes but inside you’re already feeling dread? Maybe you considered saying no, but the fear and guilt lead to an overwhelming panic and you feel compelled to say yes? Or maybe it’s just such an automatic reflex to agree to things before you even have time to think about saying no. Now you’ve taken on extra work when you were already drowning in deadlines, or agreed to plans when all you really wanted was a quiet night in. If that sounds familiar, you might be stuck in the people-pleasing cycle.
Of course, being kind and generous are worthy qualities but people-pleasing is more than that — it’s about constantly putting other people’s needs and approval above your own, often without even realizing it. And while it might make things easier in the short term, it can leave you feeling exhausted, unappreciated, and unsure of who you really are.
Being caught in a people pleasing cycle can also make you feel trapped, hopeless, and anxious. This can then damage your self esteem, which further exacerbates your people pleasing tendencies.
What is People-Pleasing?
People-pleasing is the tendency to prioritise others’ approval and happiness over your own needs, often at the expense of your well-being. It can be subtle, showing up in everyday interactions, or it can be deeply ingrained, shaping relationships and life choices.
What People-Pleasing Looks Like in Everyday Life
People-pleasing can sneak into your life in all sorts of ways. Here are some common ones:
You can’t say no – Someone asks for a favour, and before you can stop yourself, you’re already saying, “Of course!” even though you really don’t have the time or energy.
You avoid conflict like the plague – You keep quiet rather than risk an argument, even if something is really bothering you, or you over apologise and say sorry for things that aren't your fault.
You feel responsible for other people’s emotions – If someone’s upset, you automatically feel guilty and that you need to step in to make them feel better.
You put yourself last – You bend over backward for others but struggle to ask for help when you need it.
You worry what others think of you - You rely on others’ approval to feel good about yourself and often imagine the worst about what people think about you.
You feel uncomfortable when someone asks what you want - you second guess what they might be wanting, or maybe you don’t even know your own mind anymore.
Sound familiar? Don’t worry, you’re not alone.Why Do We Do This to Ourselves?
Most people-pleasers don’t wake up one day and decide, You know what? I’m going to ignore all my own needs and just focus on making everyone else happy! It’s usually something we pick up over time, often without realizing it. Some common causes include:
• Early Childhood Experiences – Growing up in a household where love or approval felt conditional can lead to people-pleasing behaviours. If you were praised for being “good” or keeping the peace, you may have learned to suppress your own needs.
• Fear of Rejection or Abandonment – Some people develop people-pleasing as a survival strategy, believing that saying no or standing up for themselves will lead to conflict or loss of relationships.
• Low Self-Esteem – If you struggle with self-worth, you might seek validation through making others happy, believing that their approval makes you valuable.
• Cultural or Social Conditioning – Many cultures emphasize self-sacrifice, particularly for women, reinforcing the idea that putting others first is the right thing to do.
How to Break the People-Pleasing Habit
Overcoming people-pleasing is a process of developing self-awareness and boundary-setting. Here are a few steps you can take to help you regain balance:
Recognize the Pattern – Start noticing when you say yes out of obligation rather than genuine desire. Notice the quieter voices or the internal feelings that are coming up for you.
Pause before you say yes – break the pattern of automatically saying yes and say “I’ll get back to you” instead. This gives you time to reflect on what you really want and think through how you can formulate a response.
Challenge Guilt and Fear – Remind yourself that saying no doesn’t make you selfish, and setting boundaries is necessary for healthy relationships.
Remind yourself: You are not responsible for everyone else’s happiness – It’s great to be kind, but people’s emotions are not your job to manage.
Practice Small Acts of Assertiveness – start small by voicing your preferences in low-stakes situations, such as choosing what restaurant to eat at or suggesting which film you would like to see at the cinema.
Learn to Tolerate Discomfort – It’s natural to feel uneasy when changing long-standing habits, but remember discomfort is temporary, and true self-confidence grows with practice.
Seek Support – Making change can be difficult. Counselling can help you understand the root of your people-pleasing tendencies and develop healthier patterns of relating to others.
Letting go of people-pleasing doesn’t mean becoming unkind—it means finding a better balance between your own needs while still caring for others.
You deserve to be heard, valued, and respected—not just for what you do for others, but for who you are. True connection happens when you show up as your authentic self, not just as who you think others want you to be.
If you recognize yourself in these patterns and want support in creating healthier relationships, therapy can be a great place to start. If you’d like to learn more about how we can work together, get in touch. I work online throughout the UK, at the Dragonfly Well-being Centre in Plymouth and the Wellness Rooms in Tavistock.
Comments