I'm a big advocate for self compassion and I believe its a valuable coping mechanism for people experiencing negative life events. Research shows that those who are self-compassionate are less likely to catastrophize negative situations, experience less anxiety in the face of stress, and are less likely to avoid challenging tasks for fear of failure.
What is self compassion?
Compassion comes from Latin and means “with suffering”. It’s about recognizing suffering and wanting to do something to alleviate it. For example, we may have a friend who is going through a tough time, we see the pain they are in and want to do something to help them feel better.
Self compassion is doing the same thing but for ourselves. It means recognizing when we are struggling and being supportive. Rather than carrying on with the British stiff upper lip or getting sucked into self judgements, self compassion means stopping and saying to yourself “this is tough for me right now, what is the kindest thing I can do for myself in this moment?”.
Simple right? Well, simple yes, but also not necessarily easy.
Why is self compassion so hard?
We can find it easy to give compassion to others but much harder to give that same compassion to ourselves. Why is this?
There are various beliefs that we often hold that stop us being kind to ourselves. However, research has now proven them to be false. Let’s examine a few of the main ones:
Belief: I need internal criticism to keep me motivated and productive. Self compassion will make me lazy.Reality: Self-compassion is a more effective motivator than harsh self-criticism. We try to achieve not to avoid self-judgement, but because we care about ourselves. This supportive mindset better enables us to learn from our mistakes and failures. Research shows that self-compassion engenders a learning and growth mindset that improves performance.
Belief: It’s just feeling sorry for myself. It’ll mean wallowing in self pity and complaining. Reality: Self-pity is about "why me?" thinking. It’s self-focused, while self-compassion puts imperfection as a shared human experience. Research shows that self-compassion reduces self-focus, increases perspective-taking, and helps us feel connected to others when we struggle.
Belief: Self compassion is letting myself off the hook. It’ll mean I don’t take responsibility for my actions.Reality: When we're self-compassionate after doing something that we regret, it actually gives us the sense of safety we need to acknowledge what we've done. Research shows that people who are self-compassionate about their past mistakes are more likely to take personal responsibility for their misdeeds and to try to repair the situation.
Belief: It’s selfish. Looking after myself as a priority feels selfish.Reality: If you have compassion for yourself it doesn’t mean you can’t also have compassion for others. In fact, the more compassion that flows inward, the more resources we have available to be there for others. Research shows that self-compassionate people are more giving and supportive to others in relationships. We are more able to care for others without becoming drained and burned out. As the expression goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup.
How do we cultivate self compassion?
OK so you’ve convinced me I need to have self compassion. How do I cultivate it?
3 Key elements of self compassion
Self compassion is about embracing these 3 key elements.
1. Kindness rather than judgement
Self compassion means putting aside our self criticism and being supportive to ourselves. We are encouraging and treat ourselves like we would a good friend.
This internal self soothing helps to create a feeling of safety rather than the anxious state of self criticism. In this calm state of mind we can take a more rational viewpoint and are more able to see our imperfections as normal and see failures as a learning experience rather than a shaming experience.
2. Common humanity
When we are in emotional pain we can often feel like we are the only ones suffering. That other people are fine and that somehow we should be fine and if we’re not there’s something wrong. It can make us feel really alone.
Self compassion is remembering that all humans are imperfect and lead imperfect lives. No humans escape suffering. In this way our suffering connects us to others rather than separates us from them.
3. Mindfulness
Taking a mindful approach to our feelings means observing and allowing them rather than suppressing them or exaggerating them. In this way we are able to step back and put things into perspective. We can allow feelings to be there, without creating a negative narrative around them or reacting impulsively.
Self compassion exercise
One simple way to practise self compassion is with a meditative exercise. This meditation is based on the acronym RAIN. (see Tara Brach’s website below for more information and some downloadable guided meditations.)
You can do this exercise at any time, if you notice feelings coming up or if you feel generally unsettled and you're not quite sure what you’re feeling. For this meditation start by sitting quietly, take a few deep breaths and scan your life for difficulties. Follow this structure:
R - Recognize what is going on. What emotion is coming up?
A - Allow the experience to be there just as it is. Don’t try to chase it away or bring judgement.
I - Investigate with interest and care. Where do I feel this in my body? What am I believing when I feel this?
N - Nurture with self compassion. What do I need now to feel better? Use physical touch to give yourself some soothing and speak some kind words such as "It's ok, you’re doing your best”.
If you are interested to know more about self compassion and learn some other exercises you can do to help cultivate it, the following websites have lots more information and resources:
Kristin Neff www.selfcompassion.org
Tara Brach www.tarabrach.com
Paul Gilbert www.compassionatemind.co.uk
This is a subject I love helping clients with, so if you’d like to learn more about how we can work together, get in touch. I work online throughout the UK, at the Dragonfly Well-being Centre in Plymouth and the Wellness Rooms in Tavistock.
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